Out of the Wings

Hombres en escabeche (1999), Ana Istarú

Select Man, Marinate Until Tender : Act One

Select Man, Marinate Until Tender, translated by Anna Glanville-Hearson

Act One

Sample text

Alicia: I threw myself into a gruelling training regime - everything from how to walk in high heels to the finer points of the offside rule. I taught myself the etiquette of courtship. But don’t overdo it – you don’t want to look old-fashioned. How to tilt the head in a sensual, languid way. But don’t overdo it – you don’t want to look too easy. How to make intelligent small talk. But don’t overdo it – you don’t want to look like a blue stocking.

And then as luck would have it I came across a young university student; he was a wonderful catch and a real feather in my cap, given that I was just a schoolgirl. My friends were green with envy.

He arrived for the first date. On Mama’s orders he came to our place. Papa took one look and then ignored him and Andrés took malicious delight in squashing all my lipsticks and hanging my knickers on the living room lampshades.

When the suitor arrived, instead of the traditional vision of a chaste, pure, virgin ready and waiting for him, he was met with a quivering little nervous wreck, looking like a halal sheep about to have its throat slit.

(Actor enters from the back of the auditorium; he slowly approaches the actress, who, seated on the sofa, continues talking without apparently having noticed his presence. He carries a spray of orange blossom. He is chewing gum. His shirt is hanging out and the sleeves are rolled up.)

He was neither especially ugly, nor especially good-looking - and who cared anyway? He was to be the instrument of my vengeance. Through him I would purge once and for all the bitterness and pain of father-love. Incinerate it - just like a fly in a toaster.

And one single word was enough for me to fall for him.

Boyfriend: (In the actress’s ear. She jumps.) Alicia. (He kisses her cheek and hands her the flowers. Sits down next to her.)

Alicia: Hello.

(Both remain silent. He is sure of himself but nervous of her. They smile. Silence. They laugh. Silence. Still chewing gum he moves towards her slowly and menacingly. He tries to kiss her, but she interposes the flowers, pretending to smell them. He makes another attempt, but she jumps up. A stream of language.)

Actually I’ve read quite a bit about World War Two. And I know you know a lot about it, so I thought perhaps you could explain a couple of things to me. Everybody knows that Hitler wouldn’t recognise the Treaty of Versailles in ‘35, and then he invaded Poland in ‘39, that’s right isn’t it?

(Actor calmly removes the gum from his mouth and sticks it to the back of the sofa, looking at her fixedly and inching towards her like a snake hypnotising its prey.)

What I was wondering … what I want to know is … why would an Austrian man who seemed so civilised and was devoted to painting, just decide one fine day that Jews were abhorrent … and anyway why do you like studying such a horrific thing … it’s really interesting … where so many innocent people were killed, I mean, why do beasts like that with uniforms all covered in medals …

(Actor tries to kiss her again, but she makes a swift move to evade him, inadvertently bashing his nose with her head. Actor holds his face in pain.)

Ooh sorry... I …Goering! that’s it. If he was supposedly going to be Hitler’s successor, why the ... do you want some ice?

(He shakes his head. She continues without knowing that he’s replied) It’s the first time I’ve worn these shoes. (He buries his face in his hands at the stupidity of the conversation.)

(Silence.)

Boyfriend: I’m starving

Alicia: Oh, of course!

(Taken aback and looking for something without knowing what.)

Boyfriend: You don’t know how to make biscuits do you? I love sweet stuff. (While the actress is shaking her head he takes a cigarette from the packet and is about to light it when there is a brief blackout. Actress solo.)

Alicia: By the next date I had learnt to make lemon biscuits, peanut biscuits, oaty biscuits, butter biscuits, chocolate biscuits, crunchy nut squares and apple strudel. I worked on the basis that keeping him with his mouth full should keep me safe from a fate worse than death.

I was petrified by my lack of experience, petrified by his runaway lust, petrified by the fires of hell, petrified that he was going to kiss me, petrified that I wouldn’t like it - and petrified that I would like it too much. Following Mama’s orders, I was to shield myself with the fire-breathing dragon of my modesty, so he didn’t get the idea I was just a slapper.

(Brief blackout. Lights go up. The two are together on the sofa with a plate of assorted cookies in front of them. He is eating voraciously.)

Alicia: It’s my Granny’s recipe – it’s a family secret. (He nods appreciatively.) These are almond, glacé cherries, and a drop of amaretto. The one you’ve got is date, chocolate chip and chopped nuts.

Boyfriend: (With his mouth full.) Nuts?

Alicia: Yes, nuts.

Boyfriend: My God, give me a mirror! I’ve got a nut allergy. Have I got blotches on my face? Am I swelling up?

Alicia: That’s awful! Yes! No! I didn’t know!

Boyfriend: I can’t breathe! I need cortisone!

Alicia: I haven’t got any! What do I do?

Boyfriend: More air! Give me more air! I’m choking! I’m suffocating!

(He starts to take off his shirt. She is helping him. He makes the most of the opportunity by grabbing her and kissing her neck.)

Alicia: Oh you rat! I nearly had a heart attack!

Boyfriend: The nut thing never fails.

(He laughs. Then starts coughing, choking on some crumbs.)

Alicia: Don’t start that again. (Actor is genuinely choking, so can’t say a word.) I’m not falling for it this time. I didn’t spend a week making biscuits for you just to be made a fool of. (Actor falls to his knees, and it dawns on her that he’s not kidding.) Oh my God, don’t die now when I’ve gone to so much trouble to get a boyfriend! (She pulls up his arms, pushes his head down and thumps his back. Worried) Don’t die on the carpet – it’s Mama’s. Saints in Heaven! Please help me!

Boyfriend: (Recovering) Don’t manhandle me like that – whacking me just like Mama.(She laughs.) Alicia, please - give me a kiss and put me out of my misery. I won’t bite …

Alicia: (Seeing that he’s beaten.) All right.

(He moves slowly towards her. There is a brief blackout after which the pair are seen frozen in an embrace. Brief blackout is repeated. They have begun to kiss tentatively. Another brief blackout. The kiss, still frozen, is now passionate. Brief blackout. She is in his arms dishevelled, limp and ecstatic.)

Yes, I do like it.

(Pause. To the lighting rig.)

Could we just try that one more time?

(She smiles at the assumed agreement. The scene is repeated, this time without blackouts, in slow motion and accompanied by beautiful, but not sickly background music. Brief blackout. When lights come up Actress is alone.)

But I never imagined what a rotten, sickly thing decency would turn out to be. I wanted to stick to the values I’d grown up with, and I sincerely believed in virginity. In my virginity. And, I assumed, in his. Remember Moses? He laid down the commandments in stone, and savagely ordered a ‘No fornicating’ rule for the people of Israel – who were busy making whoopee. He didn’t say ‘S’cuse me, Ladies, you really mustn’t abandon your virginity, you know. Do please try and keep your legs crossed’. No, the ‘no fornicating’ rule was direct, immediate - a commandment issued to every human that set foot on earth, male or female, virginal or not, documented, signed, sealed and delivered.

And anyway, what about logic? If women were supposed to be virgins when they got married, who exactly were the men going to do it with? Married women? I don’t think so.

So I was convinced that on my wedding night I would be getting a young prince - unpolluted, untouched, pristine, fresh and succulent: a virgin. Ready to be consumed in the act.

in a country so pious, so full of believers, who are all the lads going to lose their virginity with?
Oh and – lo and behold - another surprise! What Moses never mentioned, and what my religion never taught me is that there are two sorts of women:: ‘women’ and ‘the other woman’. ‘Women’ were what I was, trim little sweethearts, fit to be presented to Mama, and other women were, well - ‘the other woman’: the sort who were happy to offer themselves whole, served up on a plate - with relish. Frankly I was going to be at a distinct disadvantage in the face of unfair competition from ‘the other woman’ and the influence she had over my sweetheart. I was eaten up with jealousy, but I didn’t dare say a word. Instead I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and hang on to the dignity expected of me in my social position.

(Short blackout. As the lights come back up the lovers are kissing each other passionately, almost flat on their backs on the sofa. At the critical moment the Actor suddenly jumps up and launches into a monologue intended to cool his ardour. His sweetheart does the same but kneeling down. His voice overwhelms hers.)

Boyfriend: The General Theory of Relativity demonstrates that time is linked, or related, to matter and space, and thus the dimensions of time, space, and matter constitute what we would call a continuum. They must come into being at precisely the same instant. Time itself cannot exist in the absence of matter and space. From this, we can infer that the uncaused first cause must exist outside of the four dimensions of space and time, and possess eternal, personal, and intelligent qualities in order to possess the capabilities of intentionally space, matter -- and indeed even time itself -- into being.

(It becomes clear that she is speaking too and he lowers his voice to listen to her. We only catch her final words.)

ABoyfriend:

Alicia: …it grieves me with all my heart, to have offended you; I will be punished with the torments of hell. With the help of your divine grace I will sin no more, I will confess my sins and promise to do whatever penance you see fit. Amen.

Boyfriend: This is ridiculous. I can’t go on like this. It’s more like a wrestling match than a relationship. You and your family -it’s like brawling with a bunch of street urchins.

Alicia: (Almost in tears.) You were the one who had the bright idea of trying to kiss me. I didn’t want you to.

Boyfriend: Who cares whether you wanted to or not? I’m sick of waiting for the right day, the right time, the right sofa. Your mama threatens me with a shotgun, your dad doesn’t have any idea what my name is and your brother chucks sugar in my petrol tank. I can’t take any more!

Alicia: I think you’re sick of waiting for the right girl! I think you’re going out with someone else behind my back

Boyfriend: That’s not true! (Pause.) Who said that?

Alicia: I think you lied when you said you loved me.

Boyfriend: I’m not in love with anyone! (Pause.) No one!

Alicia: You brute! I only fell in love with you because you remembered my name.

That wasn’t difficult! My aunt’s name is Alicia – she’s a nun!

(Actor exits. Actress throws the bunch of orange blossoms after him.)

Alicia: Swine! (To audience) So the short-lived relationship with love-rat number two ended – number two that is if you include the first fiasco with papa; papa who had a shattered identity and a cesspit for a heart.

Alicia: Yes, I really liked it. (To lighting rig.) Thank you. (To audience.) Our relationship flourished. I ignored Mama’s advice and went to the bakery for large quantities of ready-made biscuits then threw myself headlong into the cult of Aphrodite. But I made a point of setting certain unassailable limits for the sake of decency.

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